a valentine's passed

i watched him, as he turned the corner, from the end of the hallway leaning against my locker, carrying a white teddy bear and herding about five red and white balloons that bounced against one another above his head. the balloons bounced off of other people as he cut through the crowds that gathered in between periods to collect books and reapply make-up and distribute gossip at the lockers . it was just before first period and the crowd was extra thick. other girls carried and showed off pink and white and red items that now in my nostalgia, seem like blobs of wasted synthetic fur and cardboard, meaningless expressions of a fleeting high school chemical attraction between two adolescents, foaming-mouthed, acne-ridden, skinny-armed adolescents. he was none of these things. he was my first boyfriend.

he handed me the white teddy bear and the balloons and a card and smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek. we made plans to meet for lunch and i thanked him for the gifts and he walked towards his first period math class. my friends materialized next to me and with high-pitched voices squeaked out questions about the card. i opened it and read it. it was a ziggy card. he held a heart on the cover and on the inside, he unfolded into a springy 3-d face that said something about having a happy valentine's day. at the bottom of the card in small lettering were hand-written the words, "i love you". my friends continued their squeaking and squawking and ran away towards their own classes they were running late for. i put the gifts in my locker and brought the balloons along with me. we were fifteen and he had said i love you only a few days after we had become "boyfriend girlfriend". i wondered if other girls had been told "i love you" so soon and if they could read his love for me on my face or on his.

i kept the card for years and looked back on it once in a while just to remind myself of how it felt to be told something so special without reservation or concern, without care or expectations. even if he really didn't feel that way, this brash act of forwardness and emotion meant more.